ON FRYDAY'S CHRONICLE: THE LOOSE GIRL THAT DOESN'T FIT!

Life really happens when you leave your apartment …

Because you met a guy that doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget. You took a walk in the old city and you went to a bistro (or other pretty fashion place) to eat pistachio macarons but when you got there pink macarons were the fresh ones and you said “It’s ok” and life went on as usual. It was obvious you will stay alone all night long because it’s a cultural dogma that girls like you doesn’t get friends with benefits in a bistro, this kind of things only happened in “The Sex and The City”, not in really life. So in your current life’s diary you will return to your apartment alone if…

You didn’t meet a guy that doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget. After you ate six pink macarons you looked at the window and it was pretty like those romantic movies with beautiful street yellow lights and sweet music that you never knew where it came from. Of course you couldn’t see the stars but who cares about it when you are in the city that never sleeps, don’t matter if are you that suffer from insomnia. In the end of the day you have a good adult life, you have a (not amazing but ok) job, some (not amazing but ok) friends, and  a (not amazing but ok) apartment. Case to say that you got a (not amazing but ok) life which make your parents proud. Your ex-boyfriend just wasn’t ready for that type of commitment and for instants you thought that nobody could fix your broken dream if…

You didn’t meet a guy that doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget. You said aloud “Fuck” that was truly an urban myth because girls like you don’t say “Fuck” aloud unless they are in “The Sex and The City” which is pretty obvious you’re not! There is nothing dignified to use hard expressions to express yourself but being unable to accept reality is really fucking! You are still expecting that boys act like men when men themselves couldn’t understand what you mean, so this is really fucking! At this moment of the story you got the clever conclusion this is not good literature and it will be a waste of time to go on reading this, if the great part of your “Ok” life isn’t a waste of time filled with light movies, TV comedies and reality shows… if…

You didn’t meet a guy that doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget.

So you met this guy, he was sitting at the bus stop in front of the macaron’s bistro, you said goodnight and he smiled with good teeth, and a funny pit in the end of the smile. Then you started a talk talk with no purpose that the sanity of your blurred mind; the bus was late and you hoped anything but another insomnia at your empty apartment.

Oh! Yes, adult life has this emptiness that make you talk with strangers in a bus stop. There’s nothing wrong with it if you are more than 18 years old, and if you don’t take drugs or alcohol. Strangers could be fine and that’s not always a bad thing because in some cases your dream man, first began to be a stranger. Some strangers are melancholic, some are really celebratory, and others are a riding solo to an existential crisis. This guy at the bus stop, under normal circumstances will be a bitter weird, his fine nose, his perfect low profile, and his three days’ beard in contrast of his extremely care haircut. He was tall and elegant even with sneakers and loose jeans.

Nobody hopes a good looking guy, funny and lovable in a midnight bus stop! This is an urban myth too, and it should be a street crime doesn’t take advantage of the occasion for what you should get a hard punishment. So you took advantage because you are a strictly law-abiding. You thought “I’ll take them home” and you invited him to take part of your sleepless night. You’ve been rejected for so many times that you didn’t find anything to say when he said “Yes, of course, in your place or mine?”

There are things you just can’t process as normal, even if these things are perfectly reasonable. One of your great eccentricities is that you don’t use to trust in good guys who treat well women, mainly if these guys are handsome. Your loves to guys that are pretty like the man you’re trying to forget have no connection with reality. Your instinctive reaction is to believe that this kind of rebel without a cause could save you from yourself. But what you don’t know there isn’t anyone who can do that. As a teen you’ve already read all the books by Miller, Hemingway, Bukowski... and you felt in love with all of them. Vicious artists and song writers who are bad for the women and made them die of unrequited and desperate love are your heroes. You are an intelligent and reasonable person except on this matter. You felt in love with the men that looked like these damn artists but with the further still they aren’t artists at all but only lazy, vicious and useless.

The guy that doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget didn’t say that you are too vulnerable. After you finished he immediately knew that it was over. What you are in that bed it was someone else but you. A breakable woman trying to be someone else she needed to be. This was you not loving someone because he doesn’t look like the man you’re trying to forget.

You never could make the big decision to stay and love someone. You went on in life loving wrong models and feeling self-pity with your situation. This is your strange pain, a blurry image of a naked woman tied up on bed, only that never was a great painter, or a great photographer to immortalize your body; your soul never was dropped by real passion like the rain drops my inspiration. The problem is not with how men treat you. It’s with how you treat yourself.